I'M SOOOOOOOOO SCARED;

To fall back in love with someone from my past. What we had was truly a roller coaster ride...I have so many stories, I can write a friggin novel. I broke it off with her in Sept. 2008 and the last time I can remember talking to her was in Feb. 2009. Up until now, I haven't heard from her in almost a year. I have to admit, during our time apart...and I hate to say this...but it felt like I damn near went crazy for a little while. She was definitely my first big love. For almost two years, I spoke to her everyday...we shared secrets...we shared dreams...she was right beside me when I almost died from a car accident...and to wake up one day and realize that your best friend is no longer in your life crushed my soul.

As a result of our break up, I actually quit smoking for awhile! I was so depressed beyond words. I didn't want to be apart of anything. All I wanted to do was eat and gamble. I went through tons of mixed feelings...I blamed myself...I wanted to cry every fucking second. I couldn't comprehend why...the one I loved so much could hurt me like this. I always told myself that I was gonna take it one day at a time. So, I started working out...I eventually started dating again. Little by little, I picked up the pieces and eventually got my life back in order. I quit being mad at the world...and took the situation for what it was and learned from it. I finally felt that I broke free from her grip!

So out of NOWHERE, I get a text from her telling me to call. We talked for a little. Then we took the convo to Yahoo IM. We really had a great talk! Great in the sense that, I said alot that I needed to say. I said what I kept hidden within my heart for the past year. It became very emotional for me as I cried behind my computer.As much bullshit she put me through...apart of me was sooooooooooooo happy that she came back into my life. I couldn't help but remember how in love we were...and wondered if we could ever get that shit back to the way it was. You know, the happiest I ever been was when me and her were together. So I didn't push her away like a bittered ex lover. Instead, I embraced the fact that she had the guts to reach out to me. If anything, she's probably missed me as much as I missed her. We agreed that if we could fall in love again this time around, we'd dive in head first. No running away, no more games. And we agreed to start all over again.Sounds like...the best reconciliation story EVER! Sure it does. But it still feels like...I'm unsure. Yeah I love her...and I would give anything to have a second chance at love. But do I really want to risk going through what I went through again? It was bad guys...really bad. I keep telling myself no...but I loved this person more than anything at one point in my life. So yes. I'm going to give it a chance. But...I'd be lying if I didn't say I was scared.

MILWAUKEE HAS...

Some of the biggest dream selling, free handout wanting, bullshitters I've ever come in contact with. Ok, so you got a song on the radio...AND?!!? That bullshit you're talking about on your record isn't going to last forever. But don't mind me, ride that bitch til the wheels fall off. Wish you all of the luck and success in the world.

There's one guy in particular that makes me cringe every time I see him calling. Answering his calls and talking to him is like...Scratching your nails down a chalkboard. Obnoxious...Annoying...and full of SHIAT! I mean his conversations are cool if they don't relate to anything business like...But when it does fall into that topic...He's like...God at this shit. Or at least that's what he thinks.

Why do I still associate myself with him might you ask? Well, I still gotta give him the benefit of the doubt. As much as I FEEL that he's full of it, I really haven't had the chance to let him prove that to me. So far, it's all talk. And it's been this way for the past two years. Actually, it's one...because I took a year long hiatus from his ass.

Anywho, there's just something FISHY about his energy. I'm familiar with the type of person he is. He's a fucking moocher. Any dumb cunt that lets him hit, ends up being his, "Sugar momma" for awhile. And honestly, I feel he has the same intentions with me. Sans the sexual part.

I think he sees a meal ticket. And it's kind of funny, because I know he thinks I'm down for this shit. But really...I'm just scoping him out.

CHECKING IN;

Hey everyone! It's been a minute since my last post. Thought I come through and wipe some dust off this bitch. I've been checking in on you guys though and what you've been posting.

Haven't been up to much. Been gambling a lot. Hopefully this snow will keep me from going anywhere. Been getting some body work done on my car. Got about halfway to go but I think I'll take care of the unnecessaries next season. Got to get myself a side mirror though ASAP. I hit that bitch against the drive through window at Popeye's. Why the hell are they so narrow?!!?

Anywho, I got to work late, if not all day on Thanksgiving. So....there goes Thursday. I actually plan on dropping by the casino after work.

Other than that, I'm just ready for winter to pass on by.

LOOK...I KNOW I'M WRONG.

I know ok. I know.

I thought for a few minutes about how I can re-word this just in case...someone on this site knows who I am. But fug it. It wouldn't sound realistic.

So there's this girl. Who claims to have gotten knocked up by my brother. Personally, I don't think that's my brother's baby judging from the photos. And I don't know what happened during their relationship...But they broke up. My brother moved on...who now has a son who looks exactly like him. And I guess he hasn't been in touch with her months prior to her (the estranged baby mother) giving birth.

She's talked to me a few times. Before the birth and a little afterward. I've actually tried to steer my attention elsewhere being that it isn't my business...and ultimately...I really don't care. And alot of that has to do with the fact that I don't believe that that's my nephew. But I do feel bad. Like...I would HATE to be in that situation. And the worst part is...me and her went to school together. Not that we talked a whole lot. But still. And at times, I thought about actually being involved with that kid's life. Like what if it is my nephew. You know? I thought about...stepping up to the plate and picking up the kid...Cause really my family don't consist of too many kids. Not that it has to do with anything but...I just get that feeling in my heart that wants the company of a child.

Anywho...My brother is going through his situation. And the estranged baby mother is looking for him all around town. Putting out warrants. She's pulling up to my parent's homes looking for him. I know that has to be odd considering the fact that she's never met my parents. I know I'm wrong for lying to the girl. And I know that she knows. I mean...what? You want me to rat my brother out? So he can get locked up? I mean me and him don't have a decent relationship. But...I wouldn't do that. Under any circumstances.

I hate this. And I hate that she has all of my emails...phone numbers. I hate lying to her.

I don't think I'm the bad guy in this case. I'm just keeping my mouth shut.

I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY;

That it's oooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrr...

And while...I'm dead inside, it's literally time to move on.

Probably will need a little more time...already being added to the time I've already wasted...hanging on to hope...wishing...hoping...

But I think I've gotten the closure...I've long awaited for.

So with that said...

I'm happy for you.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I got a chance to catch up with a good guy friend of mine and we chatted it up a bit tonight. Apparently, me and him have different views on relationships and dating. He's more experimental and willing. I'm more reserved. I try to see things his way but I find it rather difficult. I'm sure he feels the same about me.

My friend is in his early thirties and is single. Huge player. He's always telling me about new girls he's seeing everytime I talk to him. All pretty by the way. To my understanding, he's sleeping with all of them. And I believe at least one of the women thinks that my friend is seeing her exclusively. She kept calling when we were at the restaurant and he kind of gave, "It" away when he asked me not to talk when he'd answer. He tells me the women know that he's out and about with other girls. And even if that were true (I doubt it), why the hell would a woman want...a man that's with a different woman every night? Is it the sex? The attention? The company? Needless to say, there are definitely women out there that wants a man to satisfy particular needs minus the commitment. I asked him if he was happy with his lifestyle. And he replied yes.

Now my story. I'm young and single. I kind of quit the dating thing because...Well...I concluded it was alot of time wasted. I wish I could skip the who dating thing and jump right into love. But it doesn't work that way. I'm the type of woman that doesn't want a relationship unless I'm madly in love with that person. If I'm in a relationship with a someone that I'm not madly in love with, then they're not going to get the me that I can give. They're just going to get a diluted version. If I'm not one hundred percent completely in it and head over heels, then I'd rather be single and just wait until I get smashed over the head with that feeling again. I'm currently at the point where I'm ready to fall in love and be with just one person. I honestly believe that love will find you. So there's really no need to look. And I see dating as a way for people to not feel alone in certain aspects. And what they’re doing is they're taking up that room in their lives. They’re occupying that space that should be left open for the right one. I'm not afraid to be alone. I mean, I don't like it. But if that's what it takes in order for me to get to the right one, then I can withstand it. Now this is what I explained to him.

He says when he was my age, he had the same outlooks. And he feels that he wasted a huge part of his life. Well what he exactly said was, "I should've been f-cking." Not saying that he wants me to do that. I guess he feels like, at thirty something, he should be considering kids and marriage. Yet, he's not ready because he didn't live his life. Basically, he told me that I should be happy and enjoy this part of my life. I should be having fun because once I get older, I have to leave all of this behind and grow up. Which I totally understand.

Now my question to you is...What are your views on dating? Is it worth the time? And why?

SOMETHING TO CONSIDER;

I've got tons of female friends who need to read shit like this! Maybe this will open up their eyes!

*I stole this from another blog site and it definitely made me think*

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay..
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think "it will get better"
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending....
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you....
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals....
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful:
You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

BWAHAHAHA!

I was sorting through my music library on my Windows Media Player and I came across, "98 Degrees." I'm sure you guys probably don't know who they are but they're an old boyband from who knows when. Nick Lachey was the lead vocalist for the group and he's best known for being Jessica Simpson's ex-husband.

I actually bought their album entitled, "The Revolution." I used to be CRAZY about boybands! N'Sync, Backstreet Boys...

It kind of made me chuckle a little bit when I was playing some of these old tunes. I miss the old days.........

"EYE CANDY"

Demo clip that was produced and written by me. The entire song has already been referenced but I had to chop the length due to it being a demo. Enjoy!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/6465080366f24a53/

I'M BIZZACK!!!

I'm not dead. I just been hiding out for a little bit. Focusing on work really. Been trying to stack up after losing gobbs amount of money at the casino. Geesh.

I've been trying to tap into my inner singer/songwriter character. Currently working on some interesting pieces so stay tuned to hear it.

My birthday was two weeks ago. :D.

I put off working out for awhile now and I think its time to get back in and get it popping again. There's this cute guy there that I always look forward to seeing when I'm at the gym.

You know what, I always thought that being a CNA, One would have all of the opportunities to make a living from it. Until recently, My friend lost her job and hasn't been able to find one. AT ALL!!! I was telling myself like...How in the hell does that shit happen!?!? I thought anything in the medical field is popping.

And the other day she.............Asked me for money. Now, I'm a good friend. And would..."Help" anyone who is close to me in their time of need. But really. Is that always a good idea? Truth be told, I would. It's just the way she asked me. It kind of threw me off a little.

She texted me like, "You should let me hold $30 dollars."

Now let me ask you this. Is that an appropriate way to ask someone to loan you some money? A close friend at that? I certainly don't think so. And I didn't like the fact that she couldn't ask me in an honest way. I'm sure it had to do something with her ego too. I remember I use to tell her shit like, Dang I wish I made as much money as you. And I use to tell her all of the time to save some of that money for a rainy day. (She's one of those, "Flashy" type folks). And she actually use to make fun of my occupation. Anyways,

I text back like, "I don't care. How you want to pick it up?"

We go back and forth for a little then she decides to not borrow the money. I remember telling her later on that day that I was headed to the casino. As always, I walk out empty handed then she texts me like, "I will take you up on your offer."

And I'm like WWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT? OFFER?!!!? Then I just made an excuse about me not having money. Only if she would have asked me in a nicer manner, I definitely would have helped her out. I can spare $30 dollars for the most part. You have no idea how much I lost at the casino in the month of August alone. But in the end, You should never do business with friends...RIGHT?

I called an old flame of mine and played Ne-Yo's - Do You on their voicemail. It's been awhile since the last time I talked to them...And I miss them. So I did what I did. It's not crazy is it? NNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

So next day, I'm like whatever. I'm not doing that shit again. Because 99% out of a 100, They know it's me. And guess what? He called me. But I didn't answer. What was I gonna say? I know, I know. It was immature. But how else could I have expressed my feelings to him...In a way where I could maintain my anonymity?

Ok then.

DON'T YOU HATE IT...

When you're trying to cancel your account with a company and customer service is trying their best to talk you out of it?!!?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!

Just cancel the fucking account!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!!!;

Supposedly.

I saw the trailer to, "2012" a month ago and I've been intrigued since. Normally, I don't buy into the, "Judgement day" stuff...But after doing some research...I kind of have a change of heart. See. The world is dated to end on December 21, 2012. And by end...It's probably going to explode or...Wipe out every living thing through natural disasters. What's scary is that the fact that history supports such theories. If I remember correctly (According to my research), The date 2012 is cited somewhere in the Christian Bible as saying thats when the rapture will come. Not to mention the Mayans were the first to predict this.

Do your research!!!

PULL YA JET SKI'S OUT!!!!!

I been down at lakefront these past two hot ass days!!! Doing what might you ask? Frolicking with the waters on my jet ski!!! I fell into that nasty ass water today though. : /. I need to get myself a waterproof camera! And driving through downtown, I never realized how beautiful the scenery is on that side of town. I definitely need to hangout there more often. Seen some nice restaurants that caught my eye.

SO I HAD A TALK WITH MY FRIEND;

During one of our conversations, she mentioned that I need to get out and mingle and quit reminiscing on a certain someone. Which is generally true. But my response was...Why waste my time dating...And searching so I could end up with someone who well isn't worth my time. And ending up with someone whose more than likely to not be in my life in the long run? She agreed with my response...But she'd rather be, "Out here" than be alone and lonely.

I wonder if I am the only one who thinks that way...

See I'm the type of chick who will NOT get myself into a relationship unless I'm REALLY REALLY in love with someone. And I feel like, if I do put myself in that situation...Knowing I don't have feelings for that person...That person won't be getting 100% of me. They're only going to get a diluted version. You know? And in the end...That's only going to cause confusion, hurt and time wasted.

RIDIN THROUGH YA CITY, SITTIN PRETTY;

I had sooooooooooooo much fun Sunday night. Even if we did drive around the city all damn night. It'd be the most fun I've had in a minute. I had the following day off so you know I was up extra late. Ooh! Did I tell you? I went to my co worker's wedding who is of the Pakistani race. And it was soooooooooooooo awkward! I mean, I knew no one...Well, I knew the guys mostly...But in their marriage ceremonies, the men aren't supposed to be in the same room with women. And guys...I knew NO ONE. Talk about being the oddball!!! Everyone else was all covered up...dressed a certain way. And me looking all cute. I'm kind of glad I went because it gave me a whole different view on how I thought about them. But that will be the last!

So basically, I had no fun at the wedding...So I called up my guy and we decided to go driving. Then ended up at Denny's for some French Toast...Then called it a night. Sounds boring huh?

RECORD LAB;

I haven't been on my music grind as of late. But that don't mean I'm not out here searching high and low for a place to call my second home. I've been producing from out of my room since I started making music. And I wanted to experiment with live instruments and etc. I learned one thing; Don't plan on having a production session when you barely know how to play the piano.

The place was cool though. Classic synthesizers, real drum sets, guitars...You name it. But I think I'll continue to work out of my room for the time being.

And here's a another one;

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW...;

That Nelly made a video for this song! I been bumping this for a minute!

DOLCE & GABBANA;

I took my mom out shopping today for her, "Pre-Mother's day" present(s). And Boston Store is on FIRE!!! It was so many got damn people in the fragrance and cosmetics aisle, You could barely walk! And I happened to look for an addition to my perfume collection!

I bought my friend Dolce and Gabbana's, "Light" fragrance last year for her birthday and just fell in love with it! Now then, I paid about $80.00 for the fragrance bottle alone. Today, I paid about $90.00 and got what you see in the photo! Ain't that a deal?!!?

WORKIN;

Had an unproductive session today. Waste of time!!!

Some dude in the studio asked me if I was in a magazine last year or so...

I was like, "....Yep."

; D

4/20/2009;

I was suppose to send out some stuff to The Source Magazine and Drum Squad a few weeks ago. And I didn't get to putting the stamps on the envelopes until today. LOL. My manager thinks I BEEN sent the s--- out. (Don't tell him).

Well, I overlooked my list of followed blogs today and had to remove myself from some of them. Due to inconsistency of posts or what not.

I copped a KeyRig 49 over the weekend and I'm back to the basics.

Here's some 2006 material;